Meredith models her life after Amy Vanderbilt's New Complete Book of Etiquette

While in Radford this weekend, I found possibly the single greatest thing ever lying on a table in Dave's apartment and have decided that '09 will be the year I finally learn how to behave like a lady.

1. Never assume that an awkward child just lacks social graces acquired by their peers. It is entirely possible that he or she is suffering from some disease that makes them knock over dinner glasses. Always check for the measles.

2. From now on, I will never frequent the local bars and nightclubs (or those in other locales, if I am traveling) unescorted. If I absolutely must go out without a fellow, I will inform the staff in advance to see if arrangements can be made so that I may take in a show without causing undue embarrassment to myself or the nightclub. I can always join a touring group of other ladies if so accommodations can be made.

3. in an effort to avoid any undue stress, I will not invite ladies to parties unless I can be assured they can secure men for the evening. "Sad, indeed, is the lone woman who stays at a cocktail party to the bitter end, hoping some interesting man will turn up, only to depart well past the dinner hour obviously dateless." From now on, like dip, I will make sure there is an ample supply of men at any function I host. In the interest of full disclosure, I no longer expect to be invited to parties, cocktail or otherwise.

4. I will not steal the hats of sailors unless I expect to land squarely on first base after having paid for dinner and some extra buttons.

5. If a neighborhood dog snaps at my child (if I am ever to have one, see number 3), the onus is on the child.

6. I must immediately secure a social secretary and at least one servant.

7. Learn how to make Squab Chicken Alexandra and Schecken.

8. Learn how to make an expert martini as "nothing is so horrid as a martini with too much vermouth."

9. During a menstrual cycle I should clean (but not in such a way that irritates my eventual husband...best not to be seen) or retire to my personal chambers until "the weeps" have passed and I am once again human.

10. I should make myself an attractive roommate to men, not a banshee. That means dainty, feminine nightgowns. No lipstick to bed though, think of the sheets.